On the sense of personal decline

I am 96 years old. I jocosely say that I can still stand up and relatively easily remember my name. They smile politely and amusedly or perhaps diplomatically and we play the game of mutually agreed pretence. But I am, in fact, very old.

I have maintained a crisp cognition beyond the statistical scale of oldsters on the frequency distribution curve. I show no signs of dementia!! I make my own bed. I attend to my personal needs alone. I handle my meds with precision and accuracy. I manage my professional duties adequately well. I do groups, and conferences, consultations, seminars - psychological, spiritual and otherwise. My memory which used to be really phenomenal, is still high on the general scale.

To a casual observer, I look exceptionally well for a guy four years this side of a century. And I understand that this is true — reality wise. I have gloried in my good health and the enormous blessings which the Lord has showered on me. I have had a glorious ride in Life. My life has been productive, fulfiliing and enjoyable. I have argued that a real spiritual life must have some APPROPRIATE fun in it——to please God. I can fit white anchovies and salmon with mustard and cappuchino into an elegant life with God!! I have argued that loving people appropriately is necesary for all levels of health. Friendships are not only really possible but necessary. Especially for spiritual and emotional health.

I have heavily endorsed that point and have cultivated friends of every age…from the delightful youth like Julia and Carrie and Sarah and Jim, to the solidity of middle age like Tim and Charles, to the elder types like Barbara and some of my many beloved priest friends, like Fr. Larry who have left me now for “other climes”. I have loved so many of them with a joy beyond description. Loving others comes easily to me and reflects, I think, my sense of Who God is.

My religious brethren are “amazed” at my energy, stamina and multiple interests. So many, much younger than I, have died, been placed in nursing homes or have just enough energy to watch the Yankee game!! They say that whatever it is I have, they want it!!!! But It is a gift from Him…not mine to give but to use.…

So, as I progress toward my own demise, the “sense” of growing limitation, signals something. Clearly one can not survive on such a fulfilling level forever. There comes a time….

Walking without the “walker” become difficult. Dizziness visits me often. Keeping one’s physical balance becomes an ever present companion. The disaster of falling becomes the potential dread of the day. Doing the little ordinary things becomes major when before it was automatic maneuvering which previously could be done while thinking of other projects…without warning I have fallen asleep while writing or praying. I get many signals!! I used to eat up new books in a fury. Now I rarely complete one.

So many of my buddies invite me to a day at the beach since they know my past prowess in the water. I winsomely decline. They invite me for a two mile walk which I used to view as a skip and a jump. I winsomely decline. They invite me to give a big address before some convention since they know my past skills in such endeavors. I winsomely decline. And so it goes.

I say “winsomely” because my declinations are nostalgic. Filled with the recollections of how wonderful all those experiences were.

And yet if there is Wisdom in old age, the following is irrefutably true. I think God has revealed to me that joy is in the NOW. He urges me to see what I do have at the moment to enjoy. Not what I do not have to enjoy. To misplace one’s focus would be to invite depression and anomie!! I hold that fulfillment is specific to one’s phase in life.

I notice that my brethren are beginning to pay a lot of attention to me, e.g. “Would you like me to get you some dessert?” “Would you like a glass of wine?…” Before it was “get your own drink”—or dessert- or whatever you need. I am now the premier oldster of the whole outfit…they kow tow to me— the dinosaur—-as if I have some hidden power in my magic wand…but it really is the elephant…..which is rarely if ever discussed as if a perfectly normal experience like dying is a hush hush topic banned by the Commandments! Is it denial or fear? Or what?

This elephant is in the atmosphere, the very air I breathe. Mostly all my colleagues, my professional friends, my associates have shuffled off this mortal coil and have been summoned by the Master. How I would love to live to my 70th Ordination anniversary, of course, (May 1, 2018) where I would make a huge splash and have particularly explosive appropriate fun.

But It is not mine to call. That is the non-existent future. The call I have is to live the days of “now” (which I have left) with whatever verve and joy and love and fun I can. It recalls for me the solid view of my old Jewish Pop. He felt that life was meant to be enjoyed. With the inclusion of the adjective “appropriate”, I fully agree. In each single day I see a huge gift from the Master — the phase in which I openly and fully intend to live one day at a time with the best it has to offer!!!! Sooner or later? Who knows?

I am Today not yesterday or tomorrow!!

Gracias!! To the Lord