Does a Priest ever “yearn”to marry?Is such a question reasonable?
When a man is ordained to the Priesthood of Jesus Christ he publicly renounces not only the married state but also the intimate behaviors which are exclusively reserved for those in the married state. In effect, he promises not only Celibacy, the state of being perpetually un-married but also Chastity, the state (for him ) of renouncing the behaviors which belong exclusively to the man/woman dyad in marriage.
In so doing, he believes that, following the example of Jesus, he as an unmarried Priest, can devote himself totally to the pastoral care of God’s children. Obviously, some men of different religions can and do balance their marriages and their pastoral work very well. So it is much deeper than the mere vow of Celibacy. Such a view while probably not a matter of Divine law has been stringently observed, in Catholic practice, for over 1500 years. This is a sacred Catholic tradition.
Whether the Deacon about to become a priest (who is usually a young man) truly appreciates the magnitude of his promise of chastity and celibacy, is a topic far beyond the reach of this paper. The same unanswerable question can be asked of the young groom who without any knowledge of their future, is about to commit himself to a woman beside him as he vows life long fidelity to her “ til death do us part…”
The groom most probably at that moment is totally sincere. Yet who can accurately predict how he will view their relationship ten years hence? We are relatively sure about the present moment. Both the new priest and the new groom meant what they publicly promised. Their promises are existentially real and valiant.
Optimally, both men believe they are entering a lofty sacramental experience with Jesus Christ who with divine love called both to these two separate but analogous “vocations.” Both men might well believe in “the grace of the sacrament” which will enable them to carry out the duties of their respective states. Both men are motivated by some form of honest love. To the informed the respective vows are understood only in terms of love. A basis on anything else would make the commitment shaky. Much data suggest that marriages based primarily on the sexual have a shaky and highly uncertain future. And no one can really appreciate the priestly vow without understanding the depth of love.
No one makes official predictions. Good will and best wishes abound. Future outcomes are shaped by factors unknown and unseen at this moment. Both men implicitly believe that grace will build on their nature to enable them to be what the Lord wishes them to be. God will make them strong in the light of who they are. When He created them to be the persons He wanted them to be, He also supplied the help needed for such an admirable aim, i.e. to be who God wished them to be.
Nevertheless because all persons are hobbled with “Original Sin”, it will be difficult for both, at times, to fulfill the high standards required for a loving husband or a devout priest. It is also very obvious that both of these men are human beings with definite limitations. Unforeseen and unbelievable situations might arise which could test their respective commitments to the core. And situations do arise in the normal course of time. They are practically inescapable.
Personal failure of whatever sort, does not necessarily mean that a marriage is a failure and should be terminated. The married man might be disappointed with the way his marriage unravelled: perhaps a poor relationship with his wife; unloving children; failures in his own career; troublesome in-laws; poor health; a wandering eye, boredom or myriad other negatives. All can affect his spousal love and the stability of his marriage. Sometimes serious, sometimes merely as difficult moments, distractions can be expected with everyone, but with help and good will they can often diminish over time.
The priest too can feel disappointment or inadequacy or loneliness, hoping for acknowledgement or human love, or any of the components common to human yearning. The priest at down times could fantasize in the “if only game” seeking some kind of consolation in day dreaming what life might have been for him (he wonders) if he were married with a loving, beautiful wife, with loving children playing happily around him and enjoying all the charm that his imagination suggests goes with a happy married life.
A legitimate criticism of Dr. Freud’s profound Psychoanalytical Theory is that he offers the science of missing the obvious. Analogically, it misses the obvious, when one criticizes the affective attitudes of both the groom and the priest when they make their vows. Rarely does life really turn out the way it “is supposed to.” Grooms sometimes have a roving eye. Priests sometimes second guess their life choice. This happens rarely, the basic commitment usually remains.
Only children or the hopelessly immature persist in the fantasy that life should be the proverbial bed of roses, especially that I be perfect on every level of my being. It is childish to imagine that I can be right all the time, that I make the right judgment all the time, that I be kind and warm and understanding all the time, that I can be patient endlessly with fools and imbeciles. No one hits home runs all the time. The anthropological insight that we all can be weak and stupid and narrow and cold and petty in stress times is obvious. Eventual human perfectibility is absurd. Growth is essential. Perfection is not.
Rather, one of the underlying facets of healthy religion is the acceptance that we are all imperfect, and prone to selfishness but are encouraged by our Gracious God to love Him and do His will with our limited strengths and power. We accept the fact from the beginning that we are weak and broken and with our broken selves strive to love Him with all our being and to do His will as best we can.
The question: Do priests ever yearn for human love?
Does a married man ever find a woman other than his wife, attractive? Obviously, there are priests and priests and priests and there are husbands and husbands and husbands. And obviously one cannot envision these groups as if they were “cookie cut.” The in-group differences are gigantic. Headline summation is impossible.
The cautious answer is that some do and some do not. To project from one’s own personal experience onto all others in the two respective groups would be shallow thinking and possible Big Time inaccuracy. Some priests never experience such dissonance. They are greatly fulfilled affectivity-wise, content with the multitude of positives they experience on a daily basis. To assume this is impossible is to make one’s own interior need/want in life the criterion for normal sensible living. This sounds like intolerant narcissism. Priests, like any other group have huge in group variances.
However, a priest might yearn for marriage. He might be utterly captivated by a beautiful woman. He might be totally infatuated. Is this good? bad? healthy? normal? cataclysmic? expected? unexpected? Alarming?
Anecdotal data are often helpful but not necessarily applicable to a whole group. As a licensed psychologist, priest counselor, I have met priests who struggled with the deep human desire for a woman’s love and for the replication of himself in his own children. I have met priests who have fallen in love, some of whom left the priesthood, some have remained. The ex post facto analysis, the evaluation as personal disaster or as successful adaptation varies widely.
Some priests should leave the priesthood. Some should not, even though they may, in a particularly vulnerable point in their lives, have fallen in love or been involved in experiences which were unpriestly. I have helped some priests leave the priesthood and have accompanied some through rough times to the tranquility of living the happy life of the “text book” priest.
I have been a priest 72 years and am almost 100 years old.
I have always admired female beauty and charm. I have had girl friends in elementary school through high school and college. I have thoroughly enjoyed female friendship and company. I have been asked many time: “Did you ever envy married men?” Did I ever have a yearning for marriage? More than jocosely, I jauntily have replied with truth and confidence: “Of course, about a thousand times.”
Marriage is a good and holy and wonderful state. It, like Holy Orders, is a beautiful sacrament, and one to which God calls most people. However, God mysteriously calls some others to be priests. Not for me to reason why. Priests believe that it is not a question of choosing but one of being chosen. It was never a question of who was the better person. It was always a question of God’s call, not man’s.
In spite of Hugh Heffnerish cynicism, the overwhelming number of priests are happy and grateful that they have been called. No one has it all. Life is not meant for that. But most priests are compensated with a joy that is incomparable. It is what Jesus called His promised hundredfold……Most priests will echo an old priest’s view: “I wouldn’t want to be anything else…”
Have I answered your question?